"they could take away everything we have and we'd conjure this beautiful life up all over again with the bones in our backs building an empire from the ground up is exactly what we're good at" - rupi kaur / home body
Surrender. What is surrender? How do I surrender to what already exist within? Aren’t I already the answer?
These are all questions that have been circulating around my existence since post pandemic. Questions that could not be answered in the moment because surrender takes action within the unknown. Without realizing I had been surrendering all along. Each question of self, each moment I move when that little voice said so, each time I let go of the big and thanked the small or let go of the small and got blessed big. It was all surrender. There comes a point in our lives where we must unpack and take inventory but the release of what’s in stock isn’t always easy and it doesn’t always look the same. Sometimes our inventory consist of people, things, places, obligations, jobs, etc. It is up to us to look within and decide what is adding value and what is taking away from not only our goals but our peace. As we surrender we shift pieces of our puzzles but they never go away. What you have on hand or in store (within) will always coexist as they both are apart of your overall being. Though these things may always be apart of your makeup, not every piece stays close or within range of your heart, your triggers. By letting these pieces shift to create a new picture, we allow other pieces to fill in giving us new perception and experiences that as time goes on will help paint the overall picture of our lives. When we give in we do not give up, we simply transfer over. We place our worries in the hands of above and we wander onto where our heart calls of next. My departure and my homecoming both have so much to do with this surrender I speak of.
What is home in surrender?
You. Home is within. Although this newsletter has everything to do with New Orleans and how home has been an hub and source of guidance within my evolution there is no home without me. When I first moved away from New Orleans I was 21, I had just spent the last year in my first ever solo home. Just me and my pup. I spent a year alone, building up these walls of my home within and with-out. Painting and decorating the halls. Placing pictures throughout in memory as I laid so many relationships, wounds, habits, and strongholds to rest. Within this year I would learn new habits to maintain this home, I’d gain new relationships, and even form a couple new wounds. Most importantly I’d fall in-love. As the year came to a close I would make the decision to move out of my magazine street home to join my love in the city of angels. - (im a uhual lesbo) - What I had not realized is that the paint was still drying within, there were hallways left undone, and rooms left unkept. There was work to do that I had not yet been exposed to. Our homes within aren’t just homes but they are castles. As we heal we unlock new rooms and hideaways. Being that at the time I was 21 I had 21 keys, but not yet all in hand. Due to experience, trauma and certain trauma responses I lost sight of certain keys. These keys still remained within, just hidden. As I started to settle into a place that was ideally suppose to feel fresh and new, things started to become heavy and hard to gauge. I would start to receive signs that maybe I was not where I belonged. Most of these signs I ignored, afraid I’d lose my lover, my new life with my friends, opportunity. By ignoring these signs I denied myself and those around me the space to truly explore whatever change life had to bring. Instead of surrendering I tried my hardest to hold onto shifting puzzle pieces. This created anger, hurt, disbelief, grief and it made my inner castle very dim. As time went on the inventible happened… My shadow became the light. I learned through scripture that ones agitation doesn’t evolve through mere interactions but more so they arise from the things we must change. As my shadow started to arise so did my agitation to even the smallest of things. My temper grew and my world started to feel small again. I was in a land full of fresh faces and greenery and somehow I still could not grasp the beauty without searching daily to be grounded. My shift in spirit would soon reflect onto my relationships, this is where surrender said hello and I started to say goodbye.
How do we make whole of home?
It’s cliché but home truly is where your heart is. When we are unable to fully love our selves we become bitter to the love available from the universe, our surroundings, friends, lovers, and even family members. This is why it is so important to take the time to truly sit with yourself and feel your own sh*t. Most of the time we seek validation to even be loved because we are denying ourselves of self appreciation and close care. We must learn to love ourselves exactly how we desire to be loved. Home for me means safety, a place to reside in care so that you have time to process and heal all that is thrown at us on the daily, but this place starts within. It is impossible to operate spaces safely if we do not trust ourselves to do so. By surrendering and seeking what God has for me rather than what I see best fit has caused great pain just as any mistake of carelessness would but instead it provides safety. By releasing things I allow the divine to provide new was that can help heal my heart and rebuild my castle within. This is what washed me home. At my core, and in my heart lives a place called New Orleans. This city makes my heart sing, stop, dance, cry, heal all the above and beyond. It is the first place I recognized to be home. As a kid, if I’m honest I never really knew of the magic that this place held. I felt it, I breathed it, I ‘am it but I wasn’t fully aware what instilled such beauty within. As I’ve grown in age and knowledge I have become well aware of what makes this fairies dust so magical. My sister in spirit *miss J* can tell you all about the sweet and sour, deep and muddy, bayous and fresh water, amazons and warriors. We are divine people on divine land. We are Bulbuncha. There would be no surrender without the coming together of me and New Orleans. I have found my way home to heal home, the more I go inward the more change will be created throughout. January 2023 I returned to sender since doing so I have gained community, blessings, new talents, rekindled love,I’ve walked away and walked into the unimaginable. My home may not be perfect but it is full of earf angels that in my opinion, are damn close just because of how beautifully imperfect we are.
Girl On fiya - thanks - and acknowledgments. <3
When I returned I knew I had community. I got to experience my first taste of heaven on earth in community before I transitioned to Los Angeles. Andre’ was one of the beautiful people to give me this taste. We met in our late teens, youthful but wise and both pursuing careers within film. We’d spend the whole summer ‘19 with our friends creating memories through photoshoots, picnics, fairs, parties, sunsets, sunrises, cuddling, and lifting each other up in agape love. This was the first summer I’d live freely and completely as an creative. We gave each other spaces to learn and evolve. There were so many transformative moments through surrender, but a different kind of surrender. A surrender that would up hold this summers (‘23) very own. Alignment & ‘figuring it out’ were the words of affirmation that year. The community we found was rooted in the places God told us to go, and the people they allowed us to meet. We were all divinely pulled and connected through a surrender of Gods choice without even knowing fully. Looking back I can truly say this time in my life is the exact frame that holds the picture to what we are currently painting / creating in our lives. This shoot is a reflection of that. Full circle, we dance in realignment. This dance has also pulled me in closer to one of my dearest friends, Blü. The stylist + co creator of Andre and me when it comes to this beautiful shoot. Through creation we are able to see how all things align and connect. In this shoot, the corner store we utilized is Blü’s childhood hangout sto’. She grew where we now create new memories and life. Nothing we experience within this life goes unnoticed. It all adds up overtime and if we are lucky enough we get to revisit these memories in the sweetest of ways as we create new ones. Thank you to my friends for trusting me as a muse and thank you to my home for being the absolute most divine place anyone can grow.
Making whole - returning to sender.
